Surrendering to the Uncontrollable
Holding the Tension: How Learning to Surrender Can Bring Us Closer to Ourselves
Accepting what we have no control over is one of the most difficult experiences we face as human beings - to remain steadfast within chaos. The challenge isn’t only that surrendering is difficult (though it is); rather, it lies in how we go about accepting what we can and cannot control. The polarity between control and powerlessness is a constant in our lives. Whether we are awake or asleep, it is a present dynamic, often playing out unconsciously.
When we are unaware of how we exert control, we tend to default to old coping patterns and familiar ways of asserting power. It’s this constant push and pull - fiending for control, yet unsure how to release what’s out of our hands - that creates tension in the mind, body, and soul. When left unaddressed, this inner conflict often manifests as existential dread and despair.
To some degree, we all know what we do and don’t have control over. We understand, at least intellectually, that we have some influence over our thoughts and emotions - or at the very least, we can try to orient them in ways that serve us, while showing compassion to ourselves and others. We also know that, when we are conscious of our choices, we have options. And those options can lead to fulfilling actions - or self-destructive ones. Yet life unfolds as it does. No matter how fiercely we try to assert control over the uncontrollable, we cannot bend life to our ego’s will.
Uncertainty is often what breeds our desire for control. When we don’t know something, we grasp for knowledge, seeking a sense of security. We spend hours, or what feels like lifetimes, scheming how to reclaim control amid uncertainty. Think of a time when you dreaded a conversation, maybe setting a boundary with a friend, a family member, a colleague, or a partner. We’ve all done it: playing the script over and over in our heads, hoping the real interaction matches our mental rehearsal. But no matter how well we prepare, reality rarely aligns with the imagined outcome. Sometimes things go better than expected, other times, worse than we feared.
At its root, anxiety is the fear of uncertainty. In other words, when certainty is present, anxiety dissipates. But when we attempt to control the uncontrollable, we lose ourselves. We unconsciously slip into a kind of grandiosity — imagining ourselves as gods (yes, even atheists), presiding over every variable of existence. This delusion drives us to grope for more and more control, regardless of the circumstances. We begin to impose our will onto others, forsaking humility. The ego inflates like a hot air balloon, lifting us high above those around us, until the inevitable pop.
This is why surrender is so essential. What goes up must come down, especially when it comes to our grandiosity. If we don’t learn how to surrender and accept what we can control, we risk two extremes: becoming inflated with the illusion of omnipotence, or sinking into hopeless despair, believing we have no agency at all. True surrender calls for humility and grace.
When we understand what we can control, we create a framework for ourselves. Knowing the limits of our control shouldn’t evoke guilt or shame, it should offer clarity and empowerment. These are the cards I was dealt; how can I make the best of them? It’s easy to provoke the ire of our inner critic when we confront our limitations, but this is where discernment matters - to distinguish between fair, constructive reflection and excessive self-reproach.
Returning to the example of setting a boundary: we cannot control how someone responds. What we can control is the way we carry ourselves - with integrity, dignity, and poise. In this way, we surrender to the moment with conscious intention. Surrender needs structure; otherwise, it descends into chaos. Holding the tension between surrender and control allows us to move through life with quiet confidence - attuned to our truest sense of self.