The Compass of Control: A Journey Through the 5W’s and H
Exploring Control Through the Questions That Shape Our Lives
To be able to let go of something, you first have to be able to control it.
Said another way: understanding control means finding the balance between knowing what we do have control over, and surrendering to what we don’t. One must be conscious of who, what, where, when, why, and how they seek to assert control in their life. When we’re able to reflect on these questions, we open ourselves up to using control in life-sustaining ways - allowing us to direct our energy more effectively.
Flow becomes possible. Conscious control relieves us of anxiety and helplessness. We stop pouring our energy into things beyond our reach and instead affirm ourselves through what we can influence.
Who:
We must realize that we truly only have control over ourselves. This is the foundation for building a healthy relationship with control. We all know we can't truly control anyone. Of course, we’ve all manipulated a person or situation to create the illusion of control (or even asserted domination) but this is false control.
When we carry the belief that we can control others, we violate their autonomy rather than empower them. It inflates the ego with destructive grandiosity. But when we recognize that we can only control ourselves, a sense of freedom emerges. Our energy shifts. We become a lightning rod for positive attraction.
What:
We often have more control than we think. We can influence our thinking, emotions, attitude, environment, and actions. That said, there’s nuance here. To believe we should always be in control of these things is to misunderstand what control really is.
Sometimes thoughts and emotions arise unexpectedly and knock us off balance. Still, we can choose how we respond, whether by reorienting, pausing, or investigating their roots. This awareness of what we can and cannot control helps us see our true limits. And in knowing those limits, we free ourselves from the shackles of perfection.
Then, we become everything we once imagined we could be, and more.
Where:
Asking ourselves where we need to assert more or less control is a powerful reflective practice. It reveals where we might be overbearing, and where we may be too lenient. It also allows us to take inventory of our energy: Are we placing it where it’s needed? Or are we wasting it on something that feeds our ego or pride?
When:
There’s a timing element to control, an awareness of when to act. This involves prioritization and knowing how much control is needed in a given situation.
Take, for example, setting boundaries at work. You notice your responsibilities increasing to the point of burnout, yet your boss keeps piling it on. It begins to feel like you’ve lost control. That’s when you need to reassert yourself, perhaps by requesting time off, having a candid conversation, or deepening your self-care practices.
Recognizing the right moment to act helps prevent spirals and preserves your inner balance.
Why:
The "why" of control lives in the subjective - in our purpose and meaning. It gives us a reason to act, and confidence to move through life with intention.
Knowing why we seek control can clarify whether we're doing so for the greater good, or for self-preservation alone. The "why" brings us to a crossroads of contemplation: Why do I need to control this? Why might it be better to let go?
In asking these questions, we deepen our understanding of ourselves.
How:
How we assert control is vital to cultivating a healthy relationship with our will. We do have some control over how we respond to people and situations. We can react with judgment and anger - or lead with empathy and love.
It's no easy feat to choose love. Sometimes tough love is required. But a life of control doesn’t have to mean imposing our will on others.
When guided by compassion and understanding, control becomes less forceful and more empowering - not just for ourselves, but for the world around us.