How Shame Pulls the Strings
Why we often let shame control our choices — and how to take back your power
The most powerful negative emotion we can encounter is shame. It belittles us, making us feel hollow, and keeps us trapped in a weakened psychological and physical state. One of the troubling qualities of shame is how easily we become entangled in it, and because of this, it often becomes the hidden force pulling the strings of our lives, turning shame into the puppeteer that guides how we move through the world.
A common example is when we find ourselves spiraling over something we’ve done in the past. It hits like a sinking weight in the stomach, as if we’ve swallowed a stone while standing in fast moving quicksand. An uneasiness spreads through every pore, and a cool discomfort settles over our presence. This fuels anxiety and erodes self-esteem almost instantly. Shame often pushes us into self-demeaning thoughts. What’s unsettling is how quickly it strikes (often before we even notice it). At times, it feels embedded in our very being. And if it’s embedded, it’s no wonder we default to it, not just personally, but collectively as human beings.
Part of this strange predisposition toward shame may be due to its deep roots in every culture and civilization. We don’t have to look far to find it being hurled at us. Spend a few minutes on social media or scanning headlines, and you’ve likely already had your daily dose.
Shame has long been weaponized — used to disempower individuals, bending minds toward servitude or perpetual vigilance. Historically, governments have used religious principles to further their agendas. It’s a classic maneuver: create the problem, then present yourself as the solution. But beneath this tactic lies something more primal and archaic.
So what gives shame such power?
At its core, shame carries the sting of exile — the sense of being banished, stripped of belonging because our actions didn’t meet the expectations of others or the group. It magnifies our “wrongs” until we’re consumed by disgrace, leaving us feeling “less than.” In this state, it’s hard to imagine a world where we don’t fail. Our assertiveness collapses, our needs go unmet, and we grow dependent on others to guide us, which makes us hand over our autonomy to the control of shame.
And while state-level manipulation is one example, shame is just as potent in intimate relationships. It can be used as a subtle weapon — sometimes with a passive and penetrative glance, sometimes with an audible sigh — to make a partner question their worth. Whether deployed to gain sex, compliance, or even help with chores, the effect is the same: our agency is taken from us. Whether in politics or in the privacy of a home, shame works in the same way.
Shame loses its grip when we accept the truth of our circumstances — when we forgive ourselves and find the calm confidence to assert our needs. This begins the letting-go process, allowing us to release shame’s heavy weight.
But letting go is no simple act. We can’t just wake up and decide to be free of it. It takes time, reflection, and a willingness to examine how it threads through our lives:
What forces amplify shame toward me?
How has shame shaped my self-worth?
What is shame keeping me from accomplishing?
Why am I afraid to act shamelessly authentic?
These questions confront us with reality and truth, helping us reclaim our power. We stop living in denial — no longer denying how shame controls us, and no longer denying what we deserve: a life of peace, joy, and harmony. A life where we can move through judgment and still be fully appreciated for who we are.
Remain resolute in letting go of shame, because when we do, we cut the strings that have been pulling us.